


Into The Light

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-11-15
Updated: 2003-11-15
Packaged: 2018-12-27 15:05:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12083562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian learns that he is HIV+, and everyone has their own reaction.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Justin lay in bed and just held onto Brian. He had noticed the cough a few weeks ago, but had hoped it was getting better. He knew that Brian would just tell him it was nothing and leave it alone. But he was really worried now. Brian moved and Justin knew he was going to be awake shortly. He had to make the decision whether to say anything about it. Brian stretched and rolled over to kiss Justin. 

 

"Good morning Sunshine." he said to the young man he had grown to love over the last few years. It seemed like only yesterday that he had seen him outside Babylon. Brian sat up and started to cough again. Justin could not hold out any longer. 

 

"Brian you really need to have that checked out. Please for me? If not for me then for Gus." he said. He knew that Brian would do anything for Gus. "I will call and make the appointment for you today. " He waited for Brian to start bitching at him. 

 

He was shocked when Brian agreed. "Make the appointment and call and tell Cynthia the time. But not til after lunch I have to dazzle some new clients first." 

 

"Fine Brian, I will make it and then I will pick you up and go with you. I want to make sure you go and not just tell me you did." Justin was pushing it now so he got up and went to take a shower. 

 

Brian lay there for a moment listening to Justin getting the shower ready and thought about how tired he had really felt lately. He knew he needed to be checked out but he was still kind of afraid of what it would be. He thought back to how his father had died a few years back. Maybe he had cancer too. How would he deal with being sick. 'Fuck I dont have time to be sick' he thought to himself. 'Oh well no use worrying til I know for sure.' 

 

He got out of bed and went to the bathroom. He watched Justin for a moment before opening the door and moving into the spray of water. He was dying to feel Justin in his arms. He moved silently towards the young man and pushed him against the glass of the shower. There was no foreplay this time. Brian wanted to fuck him. It was a primal urge and he was determined to have him. Reaching for a condom from the shelf, he put his leg between Justin's and pushed them apart. In doing so he had made room for the head of his dick to push into Justin's ass. He waited for Justin to catch his breath and then he moved into him. He pushed his dick fully into Justin then. Justin turned his head and kissed the man behind him. Neither spoke they just gave themselves over to the sensations of the other's body and the heat of the water. As Brian thrust into Justin he felt his heart pounding against Justin's back and knew that soon they would both give into the urge to fall over the edge and cum. He loved to make Justin cum. Reaching around he took Justin's dick into his hand and smearing the precum across the head he moved his hand slowly at first over his shaft. He wanted to make sure that Justin was as close as he was. Slowly, he moved back to the head. He repeated this until he felt Justin start to quiver. He sped up his thrusting and then they both were cumming. It never failed to amaze Brian how hard Justin made him cum. He had fucked many men in his life but no one made him cum this hard. He knew he loved Justin. He also knew Justin loved him. Yet neither of them had ever told the other. They stood there for along time just catching their breath. 

 

Justin noticed how flushed Brian was and was more worried now. He knew that Brian was not taking care of himself like he should. He really hoped Brian would keep his word and go to the doctor today. Brian looked at Justin and smiled. As he stood there things started to get blurry and then Justin began to spin before his eyes. Reaching out he grabbed onto the glass of the shower and fell through. 

 

"BRIAN BRIAN OH MY GOD BRIAN HOLD ON.. Justin grabbed for him and could not hold him up. He watched helplessly as Brian fell through the glass to the floor. Justin was next to him in a flash. He reached out and held onto him. "Brian I am going to call 911. Hang on baby. I'll be right back. "He ran down the stairs and grabbed the phone. He frantically dialed and started to scream "Help me. God please send someone now. He fell through the glass. He is losing a lot of blood."He gave the dispatcher the address and she tried to calm him down. He was sitting on the floor next to Brian when the rescue workers arrived. As they were loading him onto the stretcher he hurriedly put on his clothes and followed them to the ambulence. He asked them if he could use his cellphone and they told him they could. 

 

Justin dialed Michael first. "Hello?' Michael answered. "Michael, It is Justin. Brian has been in an accident. Can you meet us at the hospital? He said and hung up not waiting for an answer. 

 

He dialed his mom next. As soon as Jennifer picked up the phone she heard Justin crying and the siren. "JUSTIN are you ok. Oh god what happened." 

 

"Mom it is Brian he fell through the shower door." he choked out between sobs. "Justin honey I am on my way. I will be there by the time you get there. Hold on baby." 

 

Justin sat back and waited. He had not let go of Brian's hand even when the paramedic told him to. Man that siren is loud. Is this what Brian heard and felt that night. How did he not go nuts. I don't know if I can take much more of this. 'Please dont take him away from me. I swear I will do anything if you just let him be ok. God please please let him be ok.' he prayed for the first time since he was little. He knew that no matter what Brian had to be ok. 

 

A few hours later he was sitting in the waiting room with his mom and Michael when Debbie came running in. "How is he, Sunshine? Michael what happened?" she was asking all at once. 

 

"Ma, we dont know yet they haven't told us anything. They won't tell us til his family gets here." Michael told her as he guided her to a chair. 

 

"We are his family. " Justin said to no one in particular. Just then Melanie came into the waiting room with the doctor. She explained to him that Brian had drawn up legal documents that gave Justin power of attorney and listed him as his emergency contact. Justin had legal rights to be told all concerning Brian. 

 

Justin was surprised and looked to Melanie "When did he do that and why?" he asked her. 

 

"Justin sweety I will explain it all to you later. Right now we need to find out how Brian is ok." 

 

The doctor told them that Brian had lost a lot of blood and they were giving him transfusions and that based on what Justin had told them when he was brought in they were running tests to find out what happened to make him collapse. They were sending a plastic surgeon in to look at his face and body for scars in the morning. He also informed them that Brian had not yet woken up but that they could see him one at a time for five minutes each. Justin was the first to go in. 

 

Brian looked so pale lying there. Justin made his way slowly to sit next to his bed. He took Brian's hand in his and just sat there for just a minute. He leaned in an kissed his hand. "Brian, baby it's Justin. I'm here. God baby you scared the hell out of me. Why didn't you tell me you were so sick? Baby you have to come back to me. We will find out what is going on and we will get through it together. No matter what I will always be here. We will face this together. Just come back to me ok." Justin sat there until Michael walked in. He smiled a half smile at him and left the room to give Michael a moment alone with Brian. 

 

Justin walked back down the hall and looked at all the family Brian had. All family of his choosing. He was worried about Brian. He knew the life that Brian led and knew all that it entailed. That is what scared him the most. 

 

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' 

 

For three days Brian had been unconsious. Justin never left his side. Even when Deb threatened him he did not leave. How could he? He loved this man more than himself. They were still waiting for the test results to come back. He was anxious to know what had caused this. He was more scared of not knowing than knowing. He was sketching Brian laying there when he noticed his eyes start to open. "Brian? Brian?" Brian opened his eyes and saw Justin's beautiful face. He thought back to the last time he saw that face. He flashed back to the shower and fucking Justin. 

 

"Wh..wh...Where am I? and why the fuck do I have on this tacky gown?" he looked to Justin for the answer. "Brian oh thank god you are awake. You had me so worried. How is your head? Do you feel ok? " Justin asked at once. 

 

"Slow down and tell me what the fuck is going on now." Justin told Brian all that had happened that day. He also told him about the tests and that the doctor should have the results later in the day. Brian did not seem interested in the results. He told Justin he wanted to go home. He did not want to know what was wrong. Brian was trying to get out of the bed when the doctor walked in. 

 

"Ah Mr. Kinney. I see you are finally awake. I am Dr. Lavery. I have the results of all the tests we ran and I would like to go over them with you and discuss where we should go from here." He turned to Justin "Mr. Taylor if you could give us a minute please." 

 

Brian told the doctor "No he stays. Whatever you have to say, you can say in front of him. We have no secrets." 

 

Dr. Lavery took a moment before continuing. "Mr. Kinney your cat scans came back fine. As did all your x-rays. However your blood work has me concerned." He looked at Brian to make sure he wanted him to continue with the young man in the room. Brian nodded and he continued. "It appears you have the HIV virus, Mr. Kinney. It does not appear to be in an advanced stage yet. So there are options to consider. We will get you started on the medication immediately. But you may want to let your partners know so they can be tested as well. If you have any questions I will be here all day and I will give Mr. Taylor my card with my home number on it as well." 

 

Brian looked shocked and turned to Justin. Justin was instantly next to Brian holding him. He held Brian for hours it seemed. He could not let him go. He knew Brian needed him now more than ever. As he spent the night in Brian's hospital bed his only thought was that he hoped Brian would let him help. He prayed that Brian would not slip into the darkness that once enveloped him.


	2. Into The Light

I can't believe that he just said that to me. What the fuck is he talking about? There is no fucking way I have AIDS. I am always careful. I always use a condom and I make sure Justin does too. There has to be some fucking mistake. There is no Goddamn way this is real. What the fuck is he talking about. 

 

Justin oh fuck Justin. He knows. How in the hell am I going to deal with him? What if I made him sick? I could never live with myself if I hurt him. Oh god. I have to get him away from me now. Before he gets hurt. What the fuck was I thinking letting myself love someone. 

 

"Brian, Brian, are you ok?" Justin asked him. Brian snapped back to reality then and looked at the man standing before him. How could he break this beautiful soul's heart and send him away when he needed him now more than he ever needed someone. 

 

"I'm fine, why?" he asked "Don't I look fine? Now get the fuck out of here and go to work. I need my rest." God just go Justin is what I want to say. Run as far from me as you can get. I'm not good enough for you and now I am damaged goods. It would be so much easier if you left me. I can't bear the thought of breaking your heart, but I can't let you stay either. This has to be the end. You are so much better than this. I have to make you understand that. If it means hurting you then that is what I will do. 

 

I have to get out of here and get him out of my life. I don't want to hurt him, but either way he is going to get hurt and it's the only way to make sure he doesn't die. Oh God what if I already gave it to him. We never use condoms when we give head. FUCK! If he is positive it is all my fault. I should have been more careful. I should never have let him move in. Fuck! I should never have fucked him. 

 

I remember what he said about Mikey and Ben. He was upset to think of all they had to deal with everytime they had sex and how hard it must be to deal with. He won't leave now. He thinks he owes me. How can I make him see that he is better off without me. I don't want him to go through what Debbie did. He is too young for that and to fragile. He has been through too much to have to watch me die. I won't let him do that. I will deal with this on my own. I don't need any of them. I am Brian Fucking Kinney for Christ's sake and I am indestructable. 

 

Two days later Brian was sitting on his couch when Justin came home to find all of his stuff packed and sitting by the door. "Brian what the fuck is going on? Why is all my stuff here?" Justin looked at Brian sitting there thinking that he knew this was going to happen. 

 

"It means GET THE FUCK OUT. You have been here long enough and I don't want you here anymore. I have a new life now. So go find your self some twink and get married. You don't belong here. " Brian got up and went up the stairs so he wouldn't see the tears in Justin's eyes. He couldn't stand it if he cried and then he would never be able to let him go. He waited until he heard the door slam shut, then he let the tears he had been holding in fall. As the sobs raked through his body he felt his heart breaking. I love you Justin Taylor I love you. 

 

I moved on with my life then. These fucking meds are driving me crazy. Fuck, I can't remember to pick up bread how the fuck will I ever remember to take these pills everyday? This is just too much. Fuck, I should just do them all a favor and die now. That would serve them all right and then they would shut the fuck up. I am so sick of the munchers telling me how I hurt Justin. Fuck, don't they see I did it for him. He deserves better than me. Jesus I almost got him killed once. Now they want me to fuck him when I have this bomb in me. Well FUCK THEM I love him too much for that and now I have to make him hate me. I don't want him dead. I want him happy and I want him ALIVE. 

 

I need to get the fuck out of here and let them all forget about me. FUCK! What am I going to do about GUS? Shit, he will have to watch me die and that is what I am going to do sooner or later. My mother says that God is punishing me. Well FUCK HER. She never loved me, she just had me to piss off Jack. I will show them all, every last one of them. Brian Kinney will die young and on his terms, not this fucking disease's. 

 

I stopped into the diner today. What the fuck was I thinking? God damn if Debbie didn't start treating me like her fucking patient. She kept trying to feed me and get me to tell her my protocol. FUCK WHY CANT THEY JUST LET ME FORGET I HAVE IT FOR JUST ONE FUCKING DAY. I am still the same Brian Kinney. I still feel the same, but fuck now I have to be more careful. No more quick fucks now I have to tell them. DAMNIT. 

 

Gus is the only reason I am still here right now. FUCK! I am supposed to go to dinner there tonight. Brian thought. 

 

Arriving at the Mel's and Lindsey's, GOD DAMNIT what the fuck is Justin doing here and where the fuck are those damn munchers? 

 

"Justin." I picked up Gus and did not say anything else to him. 

 

"Brian what are you doing here?" Justin asked. 

 

"Picking up my son what the fuck does it look like? What are you doing here?" God he looks so beautiful. I want to pull him up against me and kiss him. Why can't I let him go? And why does he have to smell so good. I could drink in the sight of him all day. 

 

Brian turned before he did something he would regret and started for the door. Oh god his hand is on my back. His breath is on my neck. I can't think when he is this close. 

 

Justin takes Gus and takes him upstairs to his room. I almost think of leaving but I don't has he comes back down the stairs and takes my hand. Oh god I can't stop myself, I have to have him. Reaching out, I crush him to me and kiss him as if I have been waiting for this my whole existence. I just can't get my fill of him. My head tells me to stop this now before it goes too far, but my heart and body won't listen. I want him. FUCK! I NEED HIM! How am I supposed to keep my hands off him when he looks this good? Justin begins to moan into the kiss and I am falling over the edge. There is no turning back now. I pull him closer to me and can feel his dick throbbing in his jeans. He is so hard and so am I. I have to stop this NOW. I can't let this happen, but I want him so badly. I feel my hands moving to his pants and my fingers unzip them. It is like I have no control over my own body. I have to have him now. Breaking away from the kiss, kneel, and take his hard cock into my mouth. He is ready to cum I can tell. I've missed him. In my bed. In my house. In my life. I take the full length of him into my mouth and slowly run my tongue over the head. I can taste his precum, God I had forgotten how good he tastes. I never want to let him go. His dick is throbbing in my mouth now and I know that it won't be long. God I am going to shoot my load and he hasn't even touched me. 

 

Justin reaches for Brian's pants but he stops him. I don't want him to touch me. I can't take that risk. I continue to take him in and out of my mouth until he shoots into my throat. I take in every last drop and shudder has I cum as well. He is panting now and so am I. I don't tell him I came cause he doesn't need to know that. It will only get his hopes up. 

 

Getting up, I move away from him slowly. Looking at him I see the tears in his eyes and before I can stop myself, I pull him to me and lick the tears away. I can't help but lean down and whisper "I LOVE YOU JUSTIN"


	3. Into The Light

Oh my god did he just say that Brian is positive? That can't be right. He is so careful and always makes sure I am too. No I didn't hear right but the look on Brian's face. He believes it. Oh god it must be true. I can't let him see how upset I am. He needs me now and maybe he finally realize that he needs me to be there. I can't let him know how scared I am. I know that it doesn't mean he is going to die, after all, I lived with Vic for so long that I know what he needs to do to be ok and I know how to take care of him. Now if I can keep him from pushing me away again. 

 

Shit how am I going to tell my mom about this. She is going to want to know and I know there is no way I can keep this from her. She is going to flip out. Oh god! I have to get tested! What if I am sick too? We were always careful. After all I went through and now this. Oh no! The blood, the fall, what if I had a cut or something and he made me sick? OK, get a hold of yourself. He would never hurt me intentionaly. He loves me. Even if he doesn't know it yet. I know he does and he would rather die than hurt me. Ok Justin, calm down, don't freak out yet. Make sure Brian sees you confident. You have to be strong for him, he needs you now, even if he never admits it he needs me. 

 

"Brian, Brian are you ok?" He waited for an answer not knowing if he would like what he heard. 

 

Brian turned to him like he had not heard a word that had been said. "I'm fine, why? Don't I look fine? Now get the fuck out of here and go to work. I need my rest." 

 

I can't believe he sent me away like a child. Who the fuck does he think he is? He is Brian Kinney thats who he thinks he is. Well he can't get rid of me that easily and I'm not some child he can send away. I am not letting him push me away this time. He needs me and he is just going to have to deal with it. 

 

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' 

 

After Brian was out of the hospital and bac at the loft, everything seemed okay until one day I came home to find my stuff packed. He had the nerve to tell me to get the fuck out. I know he is having a hard time dealing with this but for Christ's sake, I love him and I will not let him push me away. For now however, I will give him what he wants, but he can't avoid me forever. He has to see Gus sometime. 

 

I moved back into Debbie's and she went with me to have my test. I should get the results today and then I have to go back again in 6 months. I am pacing around her kitchen and Vic is getting annoyed with me, I think. Doesn't he know how I feel? Of course he does and he has been here in my shoes before. I haven't told my mom yet as I'm waiting for the results before I scare her. I just told her a lie that Brian needed his space so I moved back in with Deb. I just didn't want to scare her yet. I also didn't want to give her another reason to hate Brian since they were just starting to be civil to each other. Hell he was even going to dinner at her apartment. 

 

The phone is ringing and I run to get it. "Yes this is Justin Taylor. Yes I understand. Thank you." Debbie is looking at me like she is expecting the world to end. I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding. "It was negative." 

 

She pulls me into her arms and holds me so tight I can't breathe. "OH Sunshine, that is great. Oh I am so glad. Now make sure you go back in 6 months. This isn't a joking matter Sunshine. You have to be careful." I look at her and smile. I know what I have to do now and I know how to get him back. I was just waiting to know before I went to him. 

 

He stopped by the diner today. He didn't know I was there and he looked so good. He still makes my heart skip a beat. How can he not love me anymore? Debbie quizzed him about his meds and invited him to dinner. He told her no of course. He is shutting everyone out and I can't let him do that. I can't let him go back to how he was. I love him and he loves me, I know it. I saw how he looked around the diner, like he was searching for something or someone. ME??? I can only hope. I have to see him. Somehow there has to be a way to make him know I love him no matter what and that he can't push me out of his life. I won't let him. 

 

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' 

 

Well here I go. Time to tell mom. "Hi Mom" I kissed her on the cheek and sit down. I chose this restaurant hoping she will take it well and not cause a scene. Holding my breath, I begin. "Mom I need to talk to you about something and please let me finish before you say anything. When Brian was in the hospital we found out something that I kept from you. Mom, Brian is positive. Now don't worry I was tested and I'm negative." She is crying now. How have I gotten to the point where I make my mom cry? 

 

"Justin, you have to get away from him! Don't you understand? Just because you're negative now doesn't mean that in six months you will be. Justin, please stay away from him. He is going to get you killed yet. I almost lost you once because of that selfish bastard and I won't let him do this to you. You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Just walk away from him now. While you can." 

 

"Mom, I am not giving up on Brian. Not now. Not ever. He needs me now and I need him to need me. He is all I want. I love him and will do whatever it takes to make him love me and let me help him. If you can't handle that then I'm sorry but I will not just walk away. Don't you see that I can't. You can support me in this or you can walk away but I will not let Brian go through this alone. You know that Brian would never do anything to hurt me intentionally. In fact he kicked me out which is why I'm living with Deb, but I am going to get him back. This is not about Brian and his illness. This is about our life together. I know he loves me and now I just have to make him know it too." I got up and left her without looking back. I had to get out of there while I still could. 

 

I can't believe that I got Lindsay and Melanie to do this. They lied to him. He is going to be furious. He thinks he is coming here to have dinner with Gus. God! What if he leaves? What if he hates me and won't talk to me? I don't care, I have to make him see that I love him. Doesn't he realize I'm not going anywhere? Hasn't he figured it out that I love him and he can't push me away. Shit! he's here. I have to sit down. What if he leaves? Ok calm down he's coming in now. 

 

"Justin" Is that all hes going to say to me. Nothing more. 

 

I have to say something. "Brian what are you doing here?" I ask, like I don't know. No sense in letting him think I set this up. 

 

"Picking up my son what the fuck does it look like? What are you doing here?" 

 

"Lindz asked me to babysit tonight. She said her and Mel had a function at the GLC. She didn't mention you would be stopping by." He looks so good. But sad. What is he thinking? Does he want me as much as I want him? I have to be alone with him. I just want to touch him, kiss him, love him. Why can't he let me do that? I'm good for him. 

 

Reaching out, I put my hand on his back, waiting for him to run. He is so close now that I can feel the heat coming off of him. God I'm getting hard just by touching him. I reach over and take Gus from him before moving to the stairs and on to his room. I'm praying that he will still be there when I get back downstairs. I hold my breath the whole way down and find him right where I left him. Oh god I want him so badly. Walking over I take his hand and kiss it. His eyes are so dark. Just like everytime we make love. I wait for him to pull away from me but instead he crushes me to him and pulls me into a kiss that doesn't end. I can't help myself, I moan into the kiss. I'm still waiting for him to pull away. I'm so hard now that I don't know how I can keep from cuming if he touches me. Now he pulls away and my mind screams NO only this time he's not running from me. Instead he's kneeling down and Oh god he's taking my cock into his mouth. I can feel his wet warmth as I'm pushing down his throat. He is sucking hard and slow now, keeping his lips tight around me. I reach out for him but he won't let me. Why won't he let me touch him? I need to touch him. I can feel myself start to tremble and then I'm cuming. He's taking every drop and I don't even realize that I'm crying until he gets up and pulls me to him. Then he said IT! Did he really say it? Yes he did! He told me what I've always longed to hear. He pulled me to him and whispered "I LOVE YOU JUSTIN" My heart is pounding as I whisper back "I LOVE YOU TOO BRIAN and I'm not going anywhere."


	4. Into The Light

EMMETT'S POV 

 

Brian Kinney is positive. Well doesn't that beat all, the untouchable has fallen. Well I just hope he lets Justin catch him. He has a long road ahead of him and it isn't a pretty one. And after all he said about Ben. Well now he knows how it is here in reality. Well all the tricks in the world aren’t going to fix this for him. 

 

Justin must be scared to death. He loves that man beyond belief. And he is the sweetest thing since ice cream. He is going to need support now. He needs me. I know all about losing someone you love. And I know all about losing them to AIDS. I know Brian is not sick yet. And I know all about the protocol but I also know how selfish Brian is. He is going to only do the meds if he wants to. And knowing him he will just choose to die. Well I won’t let him. He has Justin to think about. And I won’t let him forget it. That boy is a catch and Brian had better not forget it. Hell if I didn't love him so much I'd steal him away. 

 

Michael must be taking this hard as well. We all know how he loves Brian. Hell if he thought he had half a chance with him he would drop everything. Oh wait he does that now. But he does have that positively yummy professor. And who wouldn't want to be taught by him. He is YUMMY. And he loves Mikey. More than Brian ever could. Or ever would. The only person Brian Kinney loves is himself, and Justin. But I don’t think even Brian knows that yet. But Justin does. 

 

Well I am not going to treat him any different. He is still the same super fuckable stud I know and love. But I would never tell him that. He would think I was some nelly bottom if I did. Well I am but I don’t need Brian Kinney reminding me all the time. 

 

I remember when Godiva died. It was Justin who went with me to the hospice. It was Justin who held me as I cried. Well now I am going to return the favor. Justin is going to need someone to turn to. Someone who won’t tell him he is making a mistake. Someone he can vent to when Brian throws him out. And I will be that someone. I know Brian is not going to want me to fuss over him. So I will just help out my sweet Justin. 

 

"I can’t believe Brian actually expected you to help him kick Justin out? Jesus that man has balls. Like you would just do his dirty work for him." I look at Michael and I know that he is thinking the same thing I am. That Brian needs Justin now. But it is hard for Mikey. He has loved Brian for as long as I can remember. "Well he did and I didn't. So that is all there is." I know Mikey is hurting now. I can see it in his eyes. There has to be a way to help. Then he surprises me. "Well he is not just kicking him out. I am going to make sure Justin is around to help him. He is the only one who can." 

 

Mikey has finally figured it out. Brian loves Justin. Wow. I never thought I would see the day.


	5. Into The Light

LINDSAY'S POV

 

Oh my, my poor Brian. I have to go to him. But I know I have to wait for him to come to me. I of all people know you can't push Brian Kinney. He is so scared right now. He has to know that I am here for him. Oh goodness what if I lose him. What will I tell Gus? He loves his daddy so much. How we he ever know how much his daddy adored him? Ok, Lindz stop it. He is not dying. There are drugs now. He can live to be old and wrinkled. I better not let him hear me say that. He would die if he thought he would be old. Brian Kinney needs a reason to live. And I know what that reason is. But does he? I have to make sure he doesn't throw away what he has with Justin. Brian is stubborn and pig headed so this is going to be a fight. 

 

"Mel, I need to talk to him. He is hurting now. He needs me." she is being so unreasonable. 

 

"He knew this was going to happen. I am sorry he is sick Lindsay but you can’t always fix Brian's fuck ups. Let him deal with this on his own. He is big boy. Let him clean up his own mess." "Damn it Melanie he is the father of my son and my friend. I can't let him go through this alone. I am the only one who can get through to him. Now take Gus in for his nap. I am going to see Brian, and I want to be alone with him." 

 

It seems like I have been knocking forever. "I know you are here Brian. I saw your jeep outside. Now answer the door. You can’t hide from me." I use my key and I find him on the bed, crying. That is so unlike Brian. Something has happened. I look around and see that none of Justin's things are here. 

 

"Brian." I take his face in my hands and make him look at me. "What did you do?" "I sent him away. I don't need some little twink complicating matters. I just need to move on and he needs to find friends his own age." 

 

I may have bought it if he weren’t saying it through tears. "Brian when are you going to wake up and see that Justin is just what you need. He loves you. And if you would stop being so damn stubborn you would see you love him. Now you need to fix this before it is too late. You keep pushing him and you may get your wish. He will find someone who loves him. And will tell him. Now get off your ass, quit feeling sorry for yourself and go get him." 

 

I wait for an answer. I wait for him to kick me out. What I get is him in my arms crying. "I can’t Lindsay. I can't let him waste his life on me. Don't you see I am doing this because I love him? I don't want him to watch me die. I won't let him. He is too good to stay here with me now. He deserves the best. I can’t give him that. I won’t let him throw away his future. What if I have already given it to him? What if I got him sick? I couldn't live with myself Lindsay. I don’t want him to die." 

 

I can’t believe I am hearing this. He just admitted he loves Justin. "What about what he wants, Brian? Did you think that maybe he loves you and wants to be with you no matter what? You just admitted you love him. Did you realize that? Now get up and put on those nice expensive clothes you insist on wearing and go tell him before it is too late." 

 

Who was I kidding? Did I really think he would do this on his own? He has to talk to Justin and I have to make it happen. I called Michael and enlisted him. Then I called Brian and quilted him into coming over. I know he would do anything for Gus. But I still feel bad using him. 

 

I open the door to find Justin. I smile at him and kiss him on the cheek. I am doing this as much for him as for Brian. I don't want to see him hurt again. I have to trust Brian will do the right thing.


	6. Into The Light

DEBBIE'S POV 

 

Brian is positive. Brian Kinney is positive. Shit I was afraid this would happen. I just prayed it never would in my lifetime. He may act like a uncaring prick but I have known him forever. I know he has a heart in there. I may be the only one who knows that. No Sunshine knows it too. Sunshine, Sunshine must be freaking out right now. And Jenn, holy shit, I know what she is going through. When Michael first started dating Ben I told him that under no circumstances did I want him dating Ben. He didn't listen to me of course. As a matter of fact he was angry with me and told me to stay the fuck out of his life. I almost lost him. Now Jenn must be feeling like she is losing Justin. 

 

Michael must feel like his world has been turned upside down. First Vic, then Ben and now Brian, Michael has experienced far too much of this illness to last him forever. How will he deal with this? Well of course he will try to stand by Brian. But Brian isn't going to make it easy for anyone to stand by him. He is going to push them all away. I bet he hasn't even told his mother yet. Hell it took him 30 years to tell her he is gay. He never has been one to open up to his mommy. And she is a bitchy little thing. Not very open and accepting. Well it is probably best he not tell her. She would just tell him he deserved it. And Lord knows he doesn't need to hear that now. 

 

Brian is going to need a mother now. I guess I will fill those shoes once again. I have been more of a mother to him in the last 16 years than Joanie has. He ate dinner here every night. Spent every waking second here and came to me when he came out. Hell I couldn't be his mother more if I had shit him out. Now my heart is breaking like a mother's. I will give him his space to deal with it for awhile. But then I am going to make sure he takes his meds. Hell he eats at the diner more than anywhere. So I can ride his case there. Hell I live to annoy Brian Kinney. 

 

Sunshine is going to need somewhere to sleep when Brian throws him out on his cute little bubble butt again. And he will. But I have no doubt that that persistent little kid will work his way right back into the inner sanctuary of Brian Kinney. Brian never could say no to Justin and stick with it. Hell he loves that boy more than he loves his Prada shoes. Justin and Gus, his two little boys. What he doesn't realize is how grown up Sunshine is now. Shit most days I think that Sunshine is the adult and Brian is the kid. Sunshine is going to need all the strength he can muster to survive what Brian is about to throw at him. But if anyone can it would be Justin. He is so much stronger than they give him credit for. 

 

Love is what will get Brian through this. His friends, his family. That is what he needs now whether he likes it or not. And someone who won’t let him feel sorry for himself. Justin has to be that someone now. I just hope he is strong enough to survive Brian. But most of all I hope Brian is strong enough to survive Brian.


	7. Into The Light

MELANIE'S POV 

 

Well I knew it would happen sooner or later. He finally got what he deserved. No I don’t mean that. But he was asking for it. All those one night stands. Sometimes two or three a night. Thank God he signed that insurance policy when Gus was little. At least I know my son will be taken care of. I told him this would happen. He thought he was indestructible. Well I guess he isn't. This is one time he can’t change it. And Lindsay can’t make it better for him. I know she will try. Why does she always try to fix things for him? He is not her problem. Let Michael deal with him, or Justin. Well maybe not Justin. I do like him. He was a little annoying at first. And I thought he was slightly crazy for wanting Brian so bad. 

 

I guess he does have his good points. He does love Gus and he does take care of him. He has never let Gus down. He has let everyone else down. I always thought that Brian was like Teflon, shit just doesn't stick to him. Well it finally caught up with him. He has gotten out of so much. Like when he got sued for screwing that guy at work. How in the hell he got out of that one I don’t know. Just another Brian Kinney success story. Well he can’t get out of this one. He has to face this one like a man. But he really isn't a man. Brian Kinney is a scared little boy trapped in a man's body. I once thought that Gus would help him see that he needed to grow up. Who the fuck was I kidding? But Lindz kept telling me he was going to do the right thing. Brian Kinney has never done the right thing in his life. But I have to believe that he will grow up and make sure Justin isn't hurt. 

 

I know Lindz will want us to help him. And I can't deny her anything. So I guess I have no choice but to help Brian. I won't let him know it is for him though. I wouldn't want him to start thinking I like him or anything. Even if I do just a little. But I would never let him know that. 

 

Here we go. Lindsay is on her Save Brian from himself kick again. "Mel, I need to talk to him. He is hurting now. He needs me." God I can’t believe she is saying this shit. Fuck what he needs. She is not his personal savior. 

 

"He knew this was going to happen. I am sorry he is sick Lindsay but you can’t always fix Brian's fuck ups. Let him deal with this on his own. He is big boy. Let him clean up his own mess." I can’t understand why she feels so protective of him. There she goes leaving me and Gus to run after Brian. I will never understand this obsession she has with Brian Kinney. 

 

Now she wants me to help her get Justin and Brian back together. Doesn't she know that Justin is better off without the selfish son of a bitch? Oh well I will help her just to make her happy. But I will not stick around and watch that poor boy get his heart broken again. I just hope Lindsay knows how big a chance she is taking here. She could be screwing up Justin's life forever. And I hope Brian knows how fucking lucky he is to have Lindsay, and how much Justin loves him. Maybe love is the only thing that can help Brian Kinney now.


	8. Into The Light

MICHAEL'S POV 

 

Did Boy Wonder say that Brian is positive? I can't have heard right. Brian is the most safe sex conscious person I know. He would never fuck without a condom. How did this happen? How do I help him deal with this? And will he let me help him? Shit what do I do now? He is going to shut himself off from everyone now. He is even going to try to push Justin away. Like Justin will stand for that. That kid is a pest. But this time that may be just what Brian needs. Someone who won’t let him push him away. I never thought I would hear myself say this but Justin may be just what Brian needs now. Did I just say that? Shit my mom is going to go overboard on this. She is going to push him too hard. I have to talk to her and tell her to let him deal with this on his own. 

 

I went to Brian's to talk to him. "Brian, I know. Justin told us all. He didn't think you want to deal with it yet. Brian. Brian. Damn you talk to me. I am your best friend for 16 years now. I am here for you." 

 

"Shut the fuck up Mikey. You dont fucking know anything I am feeling. Don’t you get it the indestructible Brian Kinney got beat at his own game. How the fuck am I suppose to deal with this? I can't do this now Mikey. I can't have this. Fuck I don’t want to talk about this Mikey. Not with you not with Justin, Not with ANYONE. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! And help me pack Justin's shit so he can get the fuck out of here." 

 

"Brian I am not going to help you kick Justin out. You need to think about what you are doing here. You invited him to live here. He saved your life for fuck's sake." I can’t believe I am saying this. I have wanted this kid gone for so long and now I am telling him to let him stay. Have I lost my fucking mind? 

 

"He can't stay Mikey. I don't want him here. If you like him so much now you take him. I am sure Ben would love a young stud in bed with him. Just shut up and help me get his shit packed so he can be gone tonight." I listen to what he is saying knowing that he is making a huge mistake. How do I make him see that? 

 

"I am not helping you ruin your life Brian. Do it yourself." 

 

I can’t believe I just left him standing there. I saw Justin on the way out and I didn't even smile at him. I was too pissed off. I just had to get out of there. I had to go somewhere where people were sane. I ended up at Ben's. 

 

"Michael, what's wrong?" I looked at him for a moment before I answered. I knew Ben would understand. "Brian. Brian." I just couldn't say it. I felt the tears on my face. Ben took me into his arms and held me while I cried. "Brian is positive." I finally told him. I said it like it was the end of the world. How can this affect me like this? Uncle Vic and Ben are both positive and I have never been this scared. But this is Brian. Brian Kinney. My best friend since I was 14. Brian. The one I spent forever in love with. How can this happen to him. I wish I could take this from him. No matter what I have to make things right for him. As much as I have resisted the thought I know that he loves Justin. I can see it every time he looks at him. And there is no doubt Justin loves him. I have to make Brian see that he needs Justin now. More than he needs me. I can’t believe the pain I feel saying that. 

 

I saw him three days later at the store. He stopped in to say Hi and to let me know that he was still alive. I think he stopped in to let himself know he was still alive. I asked him if he had told his mother yet. 

 

"Fuck no. Claire did that for me. She heard it from some dyke she works with and couldn't wait to tell mom. Fuck I was hoping she'd have a heart attack and die. But shit with my luck the old bat will outlive me. So Mikey I was thinking of going to Babylon tonight. Want to come?" Before I could answer his cell phone rang. I could tell it was Lindsay by the way his face softened into a smile. He trusts her more than anyone. I heard him say something about dinner that night. He was arguing with her. I nodded at him and mouthed 'Gus misses his daddy.' I knew what Lindsay was up to and I knew Brian couldn't deny his sonny boy anything. I heard him agree then he kissed me on the cheek and left. I called Justin then. "Justin, Brian will be at Lindsay's tonight. You need to be there before 7p.m. I know I am the last person you thought you'd hear this from. But don't let him leave there without you. He needs you. I am worried about him. He is taking stupid chances trying to get himself killed. You are the only one who can save him."


	9. Into The Light

TED'S POV 

 

Well it finally happened. Sir Fuckalot has fallen from grace. He finally knows what it is like to be human now, and not just the fuckable Brian Kinney. Well I hope Justin is smart enough to get the hell away from him now. And I hope Michael just leaves him alone too. Michael is too good for him. Hell he is taking a big enough chance with Ben. I still think Brian fucked Ben. What if he got it from Ben. That would be one way to get Michael away from both of them. 

 

As for Justin, well, I guess he can take care of himself. He doesn't seem to listen to anyone when it comes to Brian. And Brian surely doesn’t want to hear anything bad about Justin or his relationship with him. Hell Brian doesn't even think of it as a relationship. Or at least he doesn't let on that he does. But we all know that they are boyfriends. Just they have these rules so that Brian doesn't get all wierded out and think he has a heart or anything. 

 

I wonder if he has his finances in order. I am sure he doesn't. I guess I could help him with that. He did do me the favor of not pulling the plug on me. I told him then that he would know the right time to go. I just bet he is thinking that now is the right time for him. I wonder if he has any home movies that I could use on jerkatwork.net. They would be a hit. He is beautiful, in a narcissistic kind of way. 

 

Well I guess now I have to listen to how he is not getting his dick sucked instead of how many times he has that day. It might be a nice change of pace. And maybe I can take his rejects again. They all seem to flock to Brian Kinney. And he can't get enough of it. Well now he has to be honest with every trick he meets. Well how long do you think that Brian will remain King of the one night stand now that he is positive? Not long I will bet. He will have to come back down to reality now. And reality for Brian Kinney is not that great. Sure he has a great job and a killer loft. Hell he has more money than anyone I know. But all that is not enough to make him happy in reality. It is going to take more than money and designer clothes to get him through this.


	10. Into The Light

JENNIFER'S POV 

 

Justin did not just say what I think he did. My ears are playing tricks on me. Oh no what if it is true. What if this is not a nightmare? What if that monster has given my son AIDS? He almost killed him once. I'll be damned if I let him do it again. Justin is my son. He does not belong to Brian Kinney. I will stop him from hurting him again. 

 

I remember exactly what he said. "Mom Brian is positive. Now don’t worry I was tested and I am negative." I tried to explain to him that that doesn't mean anything. But Justin is stubborn and won’t listen to reason. "Justin you have to get away from him. Don't you understand just because you are negative now doesn’t mean that in six months you will be. Justin, please stay away from him. He is going to get you killed yet. I almost lost you once because of that selfish bastard and I won’t let him do this to you. You are young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Just walk away from him now wWhile you can." 

 

He told me he was not walking away from him then. How do I make him see that Brian will only hurt him? He is so lost in the belief he loves this man that he can't see how damaging this relationship is. He can't see how selfish Brian is and how it is Brian who almost got him killed. Now he can do it again and my son is just going to let him. Well I won't. I will stop that bastard if it is the last thing I do. 

 

Jennifer get hold of yourself. You are starting to sound like Craig now. Oh god how am I going to tell him this? He hates Brian. And he hates that his son is gay. I can't tell him this. He really will kill Brian then. And I will lose Justin for good. I have to find a way to make him understand that this just isn't good for him. That Brian isn't good for him. 

 

When it comes to Brian Kinney Justin does not listen to reason. He listens to his heart. He got that from me. And I am now asking him to give that up. That is like asking him to stop breathing or drawing. It is part of him. It is who he is. Justin is love and Justin is light. He is all that is good in the world. He is the bravest soul I know. And I can't expect him to just leave Brian now. He will stay until Brian makes him leave. Then he will just keep going back. He is persistent. 

 

I gave my son to him once before, when he was the only one who could help him. Justin trusts him. More than he ever trusted me. Now I have to trust Justin. I have to trust that he knows what he is doing. And I have to trust that Brian loves him enough to protect him. But is he worthy of that trust? He has never given me a reason to trust him. I know all about how he still sleeps around. I know all about how he hurts Justin without even realizing he does it. But does that mean I want him dead? No. But I don't want Justin dead either. 

 

I have to talk to someone who understands this. Someone who knows what I am going through. Debbie, I'll go talk to Debbie. She will know what to do. She is a mother of a gay man too. And she has dealt with this with Ben. How did she handle it? I bet she welcomed him with open arms. And we all know she is protective of Brian. But she loves Justin just as much. Maybe she will be on my side. Maybe she can help me make Justin see that being with Brian is not good for him now. I have to make him see that Brian is selfish and doesn’t love him. Maybe if he hears it from Debbie he will listen. 

 

Who am I kidding? Justin is not going to listen to anyone who tries to tell him that Brian is no good for him. When it comes to Brian Justin is blind to his faults. Maybe Justin is just what Brian needs now. Maybe this will make him see that he has to be a man and either love my son or let him go. And god please let him see that he has to protect Justin at all costs. Even if it breaks his heart. Or mine.


	11. Into The Light

Justin took Brian by the hand and pulled him to the couch. They had so much to do now. Justin sat down and held Brian to him for awhile before Brian pulled away. He needed to talk to Justin and make him understand that this was not going to be easy. 

 

"Justin we need to talk about this. You need to be completely sure about this. It is not going to be easy living with me and this disease. At any moment I could get sick. At any moment I could give it to you. At any moment I could slip into the darkness and not find my way out. At any moment I could die. You have to be sure you want to go through this. I am not easy to live with on good days. I would never forgive myself if you got sick. I would never forgive myself if you regretted staying with me for one second. I would never forgive myself if I ruined your life. I love you Justin. I love you enough to let you go. " Brian let the tears fall as he spoke to Justin of his love for him. 

 

Justin took Brian's face in his hands and with tears in his own eyes told the man he loved beyond belief of how he felt. "Brian I love you. There is nothing more I want than to spend my life with you. Just because you are positive doesn't mean I will stop loving you. Just because you are positive doesn't mean you will die. Just because you are positive does not mean I will be too. There are many ways for us to love one another. And when you slip into the darkness I will be your light. I won't let you fall. I will hold you. I will support you. I will love you no matter what. I don’t love you for your face or your body, I love you for your soul and your heart. I love you for how you love Gus wholeheartedly. I love you for how you make sure your friends are happy no matter what it costs you. You are my forever Brian. Now let me be yours." 

 

Brian crushed Justin to him then and kissed him with all he had. He knew this boy was more of a man than he ever could hope to be. He looked up to see Lindsay standing in the doorway and by the tears streaming down her cheeks he knew she had heard it all. He knew beyond all else she would be the one to make sure he kept his promise to Justin. She was the one who had made him see how beautiful love could be. She gave him Gus and now she had given him the chance to love Justin. She moved silently out of the room to give them time to be alone in their happiness. 

 

Two days later Justin had moved back into the loft. He was at school when there was a knock at the door. Brian opened it to find Jennifer Taylor standing before him. 

 

"Mrs. Taylor. Come in. Justin is at school. He won’t be back ‘til 5:00. Can I get you a drink?" Brian looked at her to see if he could tell why she was here. 

 

"No Brian I don’t want a drink. I didn't come here to see Justin. I came to talk to you. I want you to know that I am not thrilled with the idea of my son living with you anymore now than I have ever been. But I also want you to know that I have accepted the fact that he loves you. And from what I can see you love him. I just don’t want him hurt. I want you to remember that he is young and has his whole life ahead of him. You are his future. Now it is up to you to make sure it is a happy one. Don't let him down. He trusts you." 

 

"Mrs. Taylor, I love Justin. I want only the best for him. I will give him the world if that is what he wants. I can't promise you he will always be happy. But I will do my best to make sure his life is fulfilled and all his dreams come true. I don't know how long I have with him. But I will go to my grave making him feel loved. He is my light. He is my reason for being. You don't have to worry about his safety. I would never do anything to hurt him. He is strong and brave. He knows his heart and what he wants. He does not take no for an answer. And he is determined. More so than I think either of us know." Brian told her trying to make her see his heart was true. 

 

Later in the week they were all sitting around the dinner table at Lindsay's celebrating life. Brian looked around at his self-made family. He smiled to himself to know he had so much support. Justin saw the smile on his face and smiled back at him. Emmett caught the exchange. "Ok give it up boys. Tell us all how married life is treating you. And spare no details. If you get my drift." Lindsay slapped him on the arm and laughed. Emmett looked shocked. "Well hell even in a relationship Brian Kinney gets laid more than I do." 

 

Brian laughed despite himself. "Well I tell you what Emmett you can have my little black book." 

 

Ted looked up and said. "It would probably be easier for you to carry the phone book around. It wouldn't be as bulky." Brian thought of how nice it was to have things back to normal. They spent the evening playing with Gus and sitting on the couch holding hands and stealing kisses. They said their goodbyes and made their way home in silence. 

 

Later in bed Brian held Justin close and caressed his beautiful face. "Justin are you sure? I can't be the same as it always was. We have to be more careful now." Justin looked deep into Brian's hazel eyes and told him” 

 

No it won’t be the same Brian. It will be better." With that he kissed Brian slowly at first. He deepened his kiss as Brian's hands moved to his cock. Slowly stroking him, Brian felt Justin shiver. He wanted this to be different. This was the first time they had made love since Brian admitted his feelings to Justin. He knew that Justin loved him and just wanted to love him. Brian broke from the kiss and moved to take Justin's cock into his mouth. He loved the feel of his lips around him. And how his cock felt against the back of his throat. There was nothing quite as good as having Justin's cock in his mouth, except maybe his cock up Justin's ass. He wanted that, no he needed that more than anything now. Sensing that Justin was close to cumming by the way he gripped the sheets and moaned, Brian broke away from him and reached for a condom and the lube. He was scared for the first time in his life. He wanted this to be perfect. Justin turned to look at him and saw the hint of worry in his eyes. 

 

"Brian I am sure. I want you to make love to me. I need to be as close to you as I can. Please. Just take it slow." 

 

As Brian slipped his dick in between his ass cheeks he looked into his eyes and said "Just like the first time." After a night of love making Justin lay with his head on Brian's chest and sighed. He was so happy to be here with Brian. He knew the future was not certain and there were no guarantees. But he also knew that Brian loved him and he loved Brian. That counted for something. Brian leaned in and kissed him passionately. With that kiss Brian knew all was well in his life. With Justin by his side he could finally leave the darkness behind and step out into the light.


End file.
